a ultrasound visit!

ultrasound visit! from Tara Mumaw on Vimeo.

time

Oh my goodness, tomorrow is ultrasound day

its so bittersweet, with the bitter is being as sweet as ever.

I dont think the word for what I am feeling is struggling, more like scared? maybe intimidated? 

Let me explain.

Ive been wanting to do this post for awhile but didnt want to seem um.. awful!

This pregnancy is SO different!

first being I seriously forget how far along I am..& to me I want to punch myself in the face for; with kennedy i knew no joke almost down to the hour how far along I was ha! I sometimes "forget" I am pregnant, not when im half way thru a bottle wine type of forgetting; but sometime I will get envious of a pregnant person & be like oh wait I am pregnant, DUH.

I know alot of this is I am running around after a toddler, which people tell me daily. & I also know it is because we haven't officially announced, & honestly about 75% of the people we know do not know at all that Im pregnant. I also am coming into terms that maybe I am just scared, of the what if's, dont go all "Tara you need to stay positive nothing will happen" on me, I am not thinking of the worst but I also need to have in the back of my mind what COULD happen GOD FORBID, when 2 dr tell you, you have 80-85% of having a giving birth at 14-24 weeks or after still early, even tho we are going past each week praising God you dont take that lightly.

Am I cheating this baby?

Not being as in the moment with this pregnancy like with Kennedy?

My mind plays this guilt game every.single.day.

& then there is Kennedy, I am almost HALF way thru my pregnancy; this is crazy! It going by SO fast, & I feel like I need more time with just her. But then again baby #2 wont get that individual time?

Do you see? I see all these mommas saying I know I can love two babies the same, & I KNOW I can too; but to love another as much as Bug completely baffles me. & to me that sounds like the worst sentence any mother could ever say.

So tomorrow, this pregnancy become REAL, we will know WHO baby #2, boy or girl, what his/her name will be; & be able to tell Kennedy if she is having a brother or sister.

Am I the worst momma ever? How did you handle your second pregnancy?

Loving Two 

I walk along holding your 1-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you? 

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before. 

I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again. 

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. 

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you. 

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. 

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. 

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. 

I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently. 

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply. 

I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. 

17 weeks!

17 weeks today!

& I wanted to do still do these since I did with kennedy!

Here is my 17 week update with Kennedy: HERE

How Far Along: 17 weeks today!

How Big is The Baby:  as big as an onion

Total Weight Gain: technically nothing, from my first OB appt I have lost ALOT with being so sick, but I am up ONE pound, so as soon as I get over my weight from my first appt is when they count it as weight gain!

Maternity Clothes:  I did buy 2 shirts from love21 it doesnt look like a maternity shirt but i have worn it!

Sleep:  not losing any due to pregnancy besides to pee a couple times maybe, just cause of bug being so sick

Gender:soon we will know!

Movement: I felt something last week, a flutter; it was amazing.

Food Cravings: a local restaurant munchies mm.. all the time its all i want! 

What I Miss: nothing

What I'm looking forward to:finding out the gender! & getting my cervix length check on friday! Ill do a whole post about incompetent cervix & what I have learned & about mine!

Milestones:  2nd tri!

for you view pleasure:

my point & shoot sucks. 

Im alot bigger than last time, but then again I am fatter then last time haha

Here I am with Kennedy at 17weeks!

update!

I hate that I haven't updated!

I am so sick, not to the extent as past pregnancies but its up there

Friday night I started up bleeding again..& like ew gross glup thing

I was terrified.

Dr said if i went thru one pad in an hour to go to the ER ASAP.

well i didn't but i did notice the more active i was/on my feet the more blood I would have

so he told me to stay off my feet.. yeah I had a wedding the next day not possible.

& being the photographer I was on my feet around 12 hours that day

& the next day we had a birthday party & a session

I has nervous since my nauseousness was dwindled down to like nothing

I was afraid that on Friday that was more than just "over doing it"

but here i am today puking 4 times a hour

litterly so weak

brandon tried to get me out of the house & took me to lunch & walmart

he ended up having to carry me inside the house when we were done

so here i sit; trying to get discs burned & blog a little.

I have a destination wedding this weekend in Tennessee

the bride & groom are paying for not only me but the hubs & kennedy too!

gas,food & lodging plus my wedding fee

so i really want to feel better by then!

my mom offered to keep kennedy which would be super helpful

but that long away from me is freaking me out.

never ever been more than 24 hours away from here..

we will see!

hopefully my next post will be less sick-y! :(

happy halloween!

this was supposed to post last night but didn't :(

me a year ago yesterday!

I haven't gotten to download the pics of the ultrasound

but oh 2 weeks ago, i went into my appt actually kinda werid. I had this deep feeling that nothing was going to show up on the ultrasound.

But sure enough as soon as it started she {yes i already think/know gummy is a girl} was kicking, & sucking on her hand!

on the pictures we got you can see her foot with each & every toe! we measured at 9w5d!

I was bawling. I have been so sick,so so sick. The being pricked for an IV what seems like everyday you really get discouraged y aknow? but that. that made it all worth it!

speaking of sickness, it had gotten better im still probally getting sick 6 times aday which is such a HUGE improvement. I am getting so energy back. But i still cant get thru a grocery trip to walmart.

I had another appt yesterday.

I had been kinda concerned that maybe my blood pressure was up, i had been getting a very tight chest with chest pain & seeing stars & being lightheaded ect. So he said he hadnt looked at my blood work from my last appt 2 weeks ago so he would get it.

He came back in & kinda stood there for awhile just watching me & kennedy {brandon couldnt get off work} & said that once again my panel came back & i had little to no nutrition, i had no potassium & so many other things. He said he had no idea how i  came in to his office that day, let alone with a 11month old in tow. Then he said what made me litterly cry all day & am now that im typing this:

"I came in here with full intentions to some what beg you to never do this to your body again, You body just can't do pregnancy & doing this again could put your life in danger, until I just sat there & look at you with your daughter. & then I had full understanding how why you do this"

Cue the freakin waterworks.

I know i am a good mom, but to hear from a complete stranger that he picked up on that & understood made me the happiest person in the world.

Because to be honest I have questioned myself. Why did I want to get pregnant again knowing I would go thru all this & take away so much from kennedy,my family & business from being so sick. I was starting to think that I was probally the most selfish person on the planet. & hearing that, made me re tract to all the reasons I am a mom & wanted to be one for so long.

Also, the cerclage will be at 16 weeks!

On a different note, birthday is just 2 week away yall!

like freakin way to close! I cant believe it!

Let start with Wednesday shall we?

The day of my appt

I get there & the receptionist remembers me &; we chat, & ooo & aww over kennedys pictures

{brandon stayed home with kennedy & the little girl I babysit, it would have been hard with them both there}

After we cut the chit-chat it was time for paperwork

I got asked nearly 10 xs either by mouth or paper

"# of prengnancies"

....

"4"

I hadn't said it outloud & each time it was like bullet

I had a the receptionist, check in ladies, nurse, ob & phlebotomist all ask me

all followed by "what are there names"

"name. I just have one Kennedy."

So right off that bat I wished Brandon had been there, as did he.

We started the ultrasound 

still no pole.

no heartbeat.

& was measuring 5w6d

just a day over what the the last US exactly a week ago was measured.

but where was a yok sac

Dr came to the conclusion that either 

a) baby stopped growing

b) baby is just a slow grower?

he took my levels again & said I would only hear back from him if something was  alarming..

& I haven't so this is GREAT news.

Also, if you didn't read before I have had NIGHTMARE OB's & really love this guy! Hopefully this is it! Cause he seemed wonderful!

Things are still really up in the air

I have been bleeding now for over 5 days

I am now nauseous....really nauseous {which is wonderful in the growth aspect}

on top of that completely weak, & the cramps are unreal

today I didnt get off the couch once, luckily both of my sessions today cancelled!

I told the Dr about my first pregnancy & with Kennedy how bad it gets 

& how i was actually on my death bed with my 1st  & a huge factor in losing the baby from hyperemesis 

& close with Kennedy

I just hope it is nothing like that this time

I will not be able to care for kennedy properly & that scares me

I am trying to keep positive, tho! I have been thinking about if its another girl; how kennedy & she will be like twins! Or if its a boy how perfect that will be! 

Purchasing "big sister" shirts which by the way dont come in Kennedys size! are they trying to tell me something? haha they start at 2T! All the ones her size say "little sister"

& then all of a sudden for 2 nights straight a few days ago I have waken up in a complete panic.

Will kennedy be mad at me?

will she resent me?

can I do this?

2 babies under 2!!

how can I possibly love another baby as much Kennedy?

Obviously this is the one thing in the world I have wanted for almost a year now

but it just would hit me, & I would think of Kennedy & just sob.

I have been reassured that this is completely normal

& even had one of my amazing friends tell me "if anyone can do it, you can"

which made me cry 

yeah, yall thought I did alot of that before; ya aint seen nothin yet ;)

Anyway this post is getting longer then I wanted it to be, but I wanted to update yall & let you know we are alive :)

I will leave you with our little bean sac 

our saturday

Well i found out friday my beta was...

8000

which is good, means they are rising...a little low

no answer to my severe pain, way to painful for implantation {in my my opinon for my last 3 pregnanies}

so I have my first appt with my NEW OB wednesday!

Saturday we woke up not feeling the greatest but was asked to go to to the Johnny Appleseed fest with my good friend, & her kiddos

so I put kennedy in TWO shirts, vest & hat & headed out

it ended up actually getting pretty warm!

some highlights:

a little walking practice

rein-actors who by the way shoot of canons that made me almost pee my pants TWICE! & didnt even phase kennedy! deaf much? 

you can find abe justa walkin around

the whole reason for the fest is because johnny appleseed is buried here!

the fest is surround by the grave site of johnny apple seed

we also did a little grocery shopping!

what'd yall do?

update!

I just got off the phone with the dr.

Lets start with yesterday

I dont know if yall remember but we were going to try to go thru our family dr who totally rocks

& will even make house calls for kennedy &/or me

he is great

when the nurse called to say I was to get a ultrasound & he had decided to pass me on to a high-risk OB

I said ok but not my old OB

so i thought I was going to an actual OB office like other US's

& could confine in a OB about this tremendous pain I have been having

Well i was wrong

I went to the radiologist dept to get my ultrasound

We were just walking down the hall to room when we instantly knew this girl was a biatch

Brandon now says we should have right there just turned around

she told how pointless my ultrasound was & she wouldnt be able to see ANYTHING

as if i electively wanted this US the DR ORDERED IT

i have had my US way earlier then 4 weeks before

we are doing this for a reason, which I told her

she did first a on external US i was like umm, your not going to do a internal/trans-vaginal?

lady was on crack i swear

she continued to be rude, & brandon i swear was close to knocking her out

she asked him to leave the room

then we got down to business, she said there "was a sac but nothing in it, who knows if it will stick anyways"

after a few more blows, & jabs at my heart & ovaries , i left shaking & crying

the worst experience ever

today I got a call.. after calling twice when they were supposed to call me first thing today

I am measuring 5w 5d. My LMP was 4w 2d ago, & apparently now my levels are LOW

no fetal pole, which could be ok but with kennedy & my last 2 pregnancies we had a  pole &/or saw heartbeat

nurse said "with my history I would expect to miscarry, just go in monday to confirm your levels are dropping"

um no, your apparently on crack too i said I would go in either today or tomorrow

I am not gonna sit all weekend wondering if I am losing ANOTHER baby. sorry. not happening.

on top of that, if it continues to rise there is so much I have to do in my early stages of pregnancy to make sure everything is OK.

So she agreed for me to get another tomorrow!

We will see.

I am scared.

Kennedy at 5w 5d

#'s

1900.72

So heres what I am thinking {not doctor}:

A-I am further along. I could be 6 weeks, AF on the 14th of August was just heavy implantation, & my negative digital wouldnt have picked up a postive then

B-multiples...gulp

Here is a guideline so really it could be one, or two!

GUIDELINE TO HCG LEVELS DURING PREGNANCY:

hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :

• 3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
• 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
• 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
• 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
• 7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
• 9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
• 13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
• 17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
• 25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
• Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml

{via: american pregnancy.org}

The nurse thought the same on both.

But I am so confused about AF in August.

We will seeee!

Ultrasound TOMORROW at 2!

my birthday weekend! {huge news}

Saturday

Kennedy started walking EVERYWHERE.

like could not stop her!

Sunday she wasnt as into it, would walk & crawl combo!

We went out to eat for seafood, which wasn't even good; BOO!

& I missed a dose of meds for kennedy was she was beyond cranky so I ended up not even finishing..not that i wanted too. & took her out in the car & waited for Brandon

before we went out to eat!

Then SUNDAY

i got breakfast in bed

& went over to my moms

I have been having alot of pain in my abdomen.. & as of the last two days gotten really swollen, I showed my mom & she has noticed it too & we were thinking it maybe another cyst..a  really big one; or a big one that has burst. There was no way I was pregnant, I stopped clomid 2 cycles ago.. & AF was here on August 13th I did test after just because i felt SO nauseous but that ended up being the flu that Brandon also go as well, it was negative {digital}/

I needed to get to the dr asap, because something just wasn't right.

well, we decided to go to walmart & pick up a test. I said i really didn't want to...there was no point..I didn't want another negative, even though we weren't even trying..

first two were during the evening of yesterday.. the second with the tiniest sample. & the last from this morning!

go on..freak out.. I AM!

god works in SUCH mysterious ways!

August was the last month to try I have a post I was going to post this week about the end of this journey.

I stopped charting..we stopped trying

the only people that know are Brandon, Kennedy & my parents only because I am going to need them for support if anything goes wrong.

We are not telling anyone til 20 weeks in fear of miscarriage or early delivery due to my incompetent cervix.

But i wanted to write down my thoughts, document this; & ultimately... get support. I am trying so hard to stay positive; but this could turn out bad...really bad. 

Here is what is going down

-waiting for the dr to call me back as I type to get my BETA done TODAY.

-ultra sound, possible progesterone shots again  to help me no miscarry like first 2 pregnancies {i only had one with kennedy}

-find out why the crap my line is so dark this early...was my last AF a fluke? or twins?

-talk about cerclage & our options

-wait for BETA results, then have follow up in 48 hrs to see if numbers are rising!

what a birthday present right?

prayers, & encouragement is needed & wanted!

labor day!

Oh my oh my; i have meaning to post about the rest of our weekend after the lake, & here I am...on Wednesday

My mind has been a dis-com-bobled mess

ok so after the lake on Saturday

we had a big bash on Sunday for the hubs work

they put one this huge party with yummy food, you pay per plate & the proceeds go towards MDA

Kennedy enjoyed the day

walking around with me with just one hand! eatttting up the attention!

then we sat back & people watched

& she ate snacks

Then nana came & picked her up

& momma & daddy got to party a little

when i say party a little i mean

momma had like 2 margartias & daddy had a few beers

10 o clock rolled around & we were pooped

& our plan of partying all night for the first time in 3 years, camp with everyone & dance our butts off

was actually us going to home, wondering what kennedy was doing & sleeping by midnight :)

we capped of Monday, by being lazy

we all went to my parents in our PJS & had a BBQ!

like i said it was 60 degrees, but was perfect!

we haven't had brandon home for a day off in going on 3 weeks so it was nice :)

my sunshine.

the other day

kennedy was looking extra cute

i mean i know she is already pretty freakin cute

but this day..

she had that EXTRA cute-ness in her eye

&amp; i had the sudden urge to take a million pictures

ok i always do

but i felt like i need to capture her..right now..

...at that moment.

she looked so happy

her personality was raying out of her like sunshine on hot july day

she was my baby

&amp; before i know

she is going to be a toddler :(

youtube.

since i have been dying of sickness the last few days &amp; still not feel tip-top to write

here is a little vid i toke of my super cute kid

{yup call me dr suess}

zoo trips.

I want to share some pictures from our zoo trips this summer!

I forgot to post over fathers day weekend we went to the Toledo zoo!

I grew up going there like everrryweekend I loved it

but haven't been since we moved from Ohio

So it was really cool to take Kennedy there!

We went with my cousin, his wife who i absolutely adore &amp; their daughter!

 Went to the local zoo twice in the past week, once with my MIL then again for daddy to be there!

doesnt see look like a toddler here? the girl beside her is the little girl i babysit! They felt pretty cool in their double stroller we rented!

Kennedy feeding the giraffe &amp; the stupid lady with the cell phone in the way!

she calls it "doe, doe, doe" not exactly a dog, baby :)

playing in the fountain!

all dry! do you think one day she will wonder why her father is such a dork? haha