Baby #2.

This is kinda a little bit of a confessional.

I have said before how I have kinda felt guilty this pregnancy.

Things are so completely different.

With bug, I knew exactly how far along I was.

I wasn't working so my every move/thought was about her/being pregnant.

With Kensley I was SO sick, juggling a toddler, a house with a toddler {completely different when there isnt one},my health,& my business, I seriously catch  myself forgetting im pregnant.

Just a few weeks ago we passed a glowing pregnant woman, my first thought was I look at Brandon & instantly was sad/jealous, I think it is second nature to him too cause he was looking at me too; & I had to tell him "opps I forgot I am pregnant"

This baby I am not having a baby shower, which is what I want but shouldn't Kensley have a day where she is celebrated? 

With kennedy she already had half a closet full of clothes, some before we even knew gender from me & from SO many others. Kensley? Not one thing has been bought for her, even from me.

I feel like no one, including myself even asks about "her" just about fears of what might happen.

Even with me being pregnant, this pregnancy its not a big of a deal to Brandon if my back hurts ect; as opposed to Kennedy where he would jump to rub my back, & make sure I was comfortable.

She isn't ANY less wanted, not less loved. & I want her to be just as recognized as Kennedy was. She deserves that & needs that!!

So this is me writing to her, we are JUST as excited about you as we were with your sister. & I will do my absolute best to make sure you feel just as loved & just as excited for you ! Cause you are JUST as special & as big of a miracle as she is. WE CANT WAIT TO MEET YOU!

24 weeks!

How far along? 204 weeks
Baby’s Size: The size of an grapefruit
Total Weight Gain: still none, but I am to my weight as of my first OB appt; so from here on out, bring on the weight gain!
Bellybutton: innie!
Stretchmarks: none!
Maternity Clothes: I can still fit into my jeans, they are actually very big on me, but where the button lies they are super uncomfortable. So I bought my first pair of maternity jeans. I never had to with kennedy; I got them on sale for 22$! which is amazing; & they are super comfy!
Movement: Oh yes, you & see & feel it! 
Sleep: Sleep is still good. Waking up pretty early, which I did with Kennedy; I think it is your bodys way of getting you ready for baby!
Symptoms: Cravings, colostrum, emotional what am i saying I am always emotional just more than ever!
Food Aversions: None
Food Cravings: Chocolate cake & strawberry milk!
Best Moments this week: Speaking of being emotional, the trailer for "The Vow" came on, & i saw started bawling while eating my choclate cake. Brandon turned to me & said I was the definition of a mess; & we died laughing for 10 minutes! Also, getting her room cleared out & furniture bought & put in!
What I miss: Nothing, although a glass or 5 if wine sound so appetizing! :)
What I am Looking forward to: Alisha & I painting the her room!
Milestones: Daddy feeling kicks!

Dear Kensley

Dear Kensley,
This is my first letter to you. Its me your momma, you know the one filling you strawberry milk & choclate cake?
This past weekend we put your room furniture up in your room getting it even closer for you arrival. Prior to the weekend your precious little self felt as though you would keep momma on your toes more than she already is & sent me into contractions for several hours. I wish I could put into words how excited I am for you to be here. With every ultrasound I look at you & wonder if you will look like your sister? will you blue eyes or brown like me? I listen to your heartbeat daily & daydream about your life & the joy you will bring to our then family of 4. As much I am looking forward to all these things, Wednesday was one of the top scariest days of daddy & I's life; all of ours & drs fear were coming true in a matter of a few hours, daddy came rushing home from work {this is a big deal for daddy} & just thought of losing you was too much to bare.
We already love you so much & working so hard to getting things ready for your arrival, but if you keep your arrival from coming for a couple more months; all of us would appreciate it! :)

love,
mommy

21 weeks!

21 weeks with Kennedy

How far along? 21 weeks
Baby’s Size: The size of an banana
Total Weight Gain: nada, I will let you know when I do; my dr is patiently waiting!
Bellybutton: innie.
Stretchmarks: none!
Maternity Clothes: I got several shirts & a dress for my MIL for christmas I have worn too of them! But my jeans still fit & are actually extremely big since i lost so much weight from being sick & in the hospital so I have awhile til I get into those!
Movement: Feel real movement & some major ninja kicks
Sleep: Sleep is still same good, & now that Kennedy is on her acid reflux meds less disruptive!
Food Aversions: None!
Food Cravings: nothing particular!
Best Moments this week: Really being able to feel her move! 
What I miss: Nothing at all!
What I am Looking forward to: My appt next week on Friday 1/6 for our anatomy scan to make sure everything is awesome & another cervix check!
Milestones: Feeling her kick on the outside!

20 weeks

How far along? 20 weeks
Baby’s Size: The size of an cantaloupe
Total Weight Gain: nada, I will let you know when I do; my dr is patiently waiting!
Bellybutton: innie.
Stretchmarks: none!
Maternity Clothes: I have one shirt I wear, it really isnt anything but a large shirt tho; I can still fit all my normal clothes; just look like a rocking a good ol beer gut! ;)
Movement: Defiantly feeling her squirm!
Sleep: Sleep is good, I have sleep with a pillow between my knees; & wake up pretty early as I did with Kennedy. It so cool to compare on how things are similar or different.
Symptoms: Still gaggy in the morning.
Food Aversions: None, but I can not burn the candles that i burned the months I was sick; I gave them to a friend cause they made me nauseous!
Food Cravings: Olive Garden bread sticks & alfredo sauce to dip them in! all day everyday please & thank you :)
Best Moments this week: trying to get bug to say sister!
What I miss: Nothing at all!
What I am Looking forward to: Ordering all her bedding!
Milestones: Half way thru my pregnancy! WHOOP!

the little things

Sometimes I shamefully & selfishly get really caught up in the Why's of our life

. Why things are so hard: Why is it so hard for us to get pregnant when everyone else just "drinks the water"; why is so hard to stay pregnant, why is pregnancy so hard on me, why this, why that. 

& even tho we are incredibly blessed to have two little babies that we were told we would never have; when so many get told that & really dont get a happy ending; infertility & babyloss will always be apart of our lives; sneaking up when we least suspect it.

One thing I sometimes am not so quick to say as I complain about the why's is how grateful I am.

Yes, this journey has been so incredibly hard; on me, brandon, our families & our marriage.

But there is so much of the little things we dont take grant it, like any "normal" family would.

Like the picture above.

You see I dreamt my daughter, when I was little I dreamed of her almost everynight; I happily told my teachers when I grew up I was going to be a mommy & sunday school teacher {apparently I didnt know that gig paid} & everynight as a adult I dreamed, begged, cried & prayed for her.

One thing you think about when dreaming or thinking of your family is the art work that will be plastered all over your fridge; that was one thing I know I couldnt wait to see!

So when kennedy made her first "drawing" it was so much more than that...

it was my dream coming true right in front of me; framed & in the hall for me to pass each day.