heaven is for real

I am writing with some what of a heavy heart.

By a good friend I was told to read "Heave is For Real." by Todd Burpo

like probably many of you I had heard of it, but something was holding me back from reading it

I can't tell you why, I am the BIGGEST reader. 

But I couldn't bring myself to pick up the book.

Christy came over yesterday for a play date & told me to just read this one chapter

"Two Sisters"

{I ended up reading the whole book in 2 hours this morning}

The book is about a 3 year old that had a brush with death that tell of his trip to  heaven

giving vivid descriptions of things & even telling his father & mother what they were doing doing his surgery that there is no way he could of known

the chapter starts with the little boy coming up to his mom in the kitchen saying he has two sisters

his mother tell him he has one & must be getting confused with his cousin

& corrects her saying he has two, & one died her belly

they had never spoke of the miscarriage to him

he described her as looking like his sister but skinner & had brown hair

which would make her the hold one of the siblings looking like the mother

then the mother asked

"what was her name"

he replied

"she didn't have a name, you didn't name her."

Though you may not believe this book or not

it first gave me hope that I will see both my angel babies again

{he says that his sister says she can't wait to meet her mom & dad}

& secondly

I stopped & sobbed

I have never named my babies

how could I right? I didn't know the gender.
my first with my D&C one minute your pregnant, then 15-25 mins later your not
the second you slowly lose your baby
I thought of gender all the time, & a name while pregnant
but after I never thought about names.

But I want to.

I want to pray about it

& hopefully get some feeling or something; i really don't know what I am looking for

or even what I will say in my prayer about my babies

but I want to name my babies.

& I can't wait to report back with what we decided!

To anyone who has angel babies, or lost a close family member

Christian,Catholic,Atheist even

I really recommend this book.

waking up.

Have you ever watched your baby sleep? If you like most of the momma population you spent quite a big amount of time doing this while they are "babies"..newborns..few weeks old. 

Now that naps are shorter, I find myself checking facebook, catching up on my google reader, reading my book for the week. But, not today.

Today, I watched this amazing miracle God gave me sleep.

I sat in her room when my legs got tired & tidied up her already clean room.

Here was this beautiful little girl just sleeping.

She knows no malice, or wrong on the world.

Knows nothing of Casey Anthony or why Lindsay Lohan is jail this time.

She knows of her Momma,da-da & her puppies.

Her world is broading to different things.

Learning how things work, standing, walking & feeding herself.

But one thing that is constant, is that she will always wake up to her momma {or da-da}

I don't know why I am going thru the things I am going thru right now.

What I do know God did give me this miracle.

& how lucky must I be to be the center of this beautiful girls little world.

honesty.

can we just take a second.

for me to get some things of my chest

August is vastly approaching

what does this mean?

August is the cut off month, that the dr recommended we no longer try

my chances of birth at 14-24 weeks rises significantly

im trying to stay positive, as I have said over & over

my months are all blurred together by a few 4 days a month.

AF, the 16th {kennedy turning a month older}, when I ovulate & testing

I know this is the only first cycle with Clomid

but I don't feel like it worked. 

no I know it didn't.

Im discouraged

I am sad

& with each pregnancy around me

I grow more angry.

I feel defeated.

my body has once again let me down.

I know I have Kennedy

& I thank God for that each & everyday.everyday.

but that longing.

will it ever go away?

will I feel like a failure, empty forever?

I can't take another negative. 

I can't. 

The amount of tension in my house during the 2ww is unreal.

I hate it.

Some people try for 10+  years

&

As I still here with my view obstructed by tears pouring down my cheeks

I realize

I can't do this.

Infertility wins.

You win.