Let start with Wednesday shall we?

The day of my appt

I get there & the receptionist remembers me &; we chat, & ooo & aww over kennedys pictures

{brandon stayed home with kennedy & the little girl I babysit, it would have been hard with them both there}

After we cut the chit-chat it was time for paperwork

I got asked nearly 10 xs either by mouth or paper

"# of prengnancies"

....

"4"

I hadn't said it outloud & each time it was like bullet

I had a the receptionist, check in ladies, nurse, ob & phlebotomist all ask me

all followed by "what are there names"

"name. I just have one Kennedy."

So right off that bat I wished Brandon had been there, as did he.

We started the ultrasound 

still no pole.

no heartbeat.

& was measuring 5w6d

just a day over what the the last US exactly a week ago was measured.

but where was a yok sac

Dr came to the conclusion that either 

a) baby stopped growing

b) baby is just a slow grower?

he took my levels again & said I would only hear back from him if something was  alarming..

& I haven't so this is GREAT news.

Also, if you didn't read before I have had NIGHTMARE OB's & really love this guy! Hopefully this is it! Cause he seemed wonderful!

Things are still really up in the air

I have been bleeding now for over 5 days

I am now nauseous....really nauseous {which is wonderful in the growth aspect}

on top of that completely weak, & the cramps are unreal

today I didnt get off the couch once, luckily both of my sessions today cancelled!

I told the Dr about my first pregnancy & with Kennedy how bad it gets 

& how i was actually on my death bed with my 1st  & a huge factor in losing the baby from hyperemesis 

& close with Kennedy

I just hope it is nothing like that this time

I will not be able to care for kennedy properly & that scares me

I am trying to keep positive, tho! I have been thinking about if its another girl; how kennedy & she will be like twins! Or if its a boy how perfect that will be! 

Purchasing "big sister" shirts which by the way dont come in Kennedys size! are they trying to tell me something? haha they start at 2T! All the ones her size say "little sister"

& then all of a sudden for 2 nights straight a few days ago I have waken up in a complete panic.

Will kennedy be mad at me?

will she resent me?

can I do this?

2 babies under 2!!

how can I possibly love another baby as much Kennedy?

Obviously this is the one thing in the world I have wanted for almost a year now

but it just would hit me, & I would think of Kennedy & just sob.

I have been reassured that this is completely normal

& even had one of my amazing friends tell me "if anyone can do it, you can"

which made me cry 

yeah, yall thought I did alot of that before; ya aint seen nothin yet ;)

Anyway this post is getting longer then I wanted it to be, but I wanted to update yall & let you know we are alive :)

I will leave you with our little bean sac 

our saturday

Well i found out friday my beta was...

8000

which is good, means they are rising...a little low

no answer to my severe pain, way to painful for implantation {in my my opinon for my last 3 pregnanies}

so I have my first appt with my NEW OB wednesday!

Saturday we woke up not feeling the greatest but was asked to go to to the Johnny Appleseed fest with my good friend, & her kiddos

so I put kennedy in TWO shirts, vest & hat & headed out

it ended up actually getting pretty warm!

some highlights:

a little walking practice

rein-actors who by the way shoot of canons that made me almost pee my pants TWICE! & didnt even phase kennedy! deaf much? 

you can find abe justa walkin around

the whole reason for the fest is because johnny appleseed is buried here!

the fest is surround by the grave site of johnny apple seed

we also did a little grocery shopping!

what'd yall do?

update!

I just got off the phone with the dr.

Lets start with yesterday

I dont know if yall remember but we were going to try to go thru our family dr who totally rocks

& will even make house calls for kennedy &/or me

he is great

when the nurse called to say I was to get a ultrasound & he had decided to pass me on to a high-risk OB

I said ok but not my old OB

so i thought I was going to an actual OB office like other US's

& could confine in a OB about this tremendous pain I have been having

Well i was wrong

I went to the radiologist dept to get my ultrasound

We were just walking down the hall to room when we instantly knew this girl was a biatch

Brandon now says we should have right there just turned around

she told how pointless my ultrasound was & she wouldnt be able to see ANYTHING

as if i electively wanted this US the DR ORDERED IT

i have had my US way earlier then 4 weeks before

we are doing this for a reason, which I told her

she did first a on external US i was like umm, your not going to do a internal/trans-vaginal?

lady was on crack i swear

she continued to be rude, & brandon i swear was close to knocking her out

she asked him to leave the room

then we got down to business, she said there "was a sac but nothing in it, who knows if it will stick anyways"

after a few more blows, & jabs at my heart & ovaries , i left shaking & crying

the worst experience ever

today I got a call.. after calling twice when they were supposed to call me first thing today

I am measuring 5w 5d. My LMP was 4w 2d ago, & apparently now my levels are LOW

no fetal pole, which could be ok but with kennedy & my last 2 pregnancies we had a  pole &/or saw heartbeat

nurse said "with my history I would expect to miscarry, just go in monday to confirm your levels are dropping"

um no, your apparently on crack too i said I would go in either today or tomorrow

I am not gonna sit all weekend wondering if I am losing ANOTHER baby. sorry. not happening.

on top of that, if it continues to rise there is so much I have to do in my early stages of pregnancy to make sure everything is OK.

So she agreed for me to get another tomorrow!

We will see.

I am scared.

Kennedy at 5w 5d

#'s

1900.72

So heres what I am thinking {not doctor}:

A-I am further along. I could be 6 weeks, AF on the 14th of August was just heavy implantation, & my negative digital wouldnt have picked up a postive then

B-multiples...gulp

Here is a guideline so really it could be one, or two!

GUIDELINE TO HCG LEVELS DURING PREGNANCY:

hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :

• 3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
• 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
• 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
• 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
• 7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
• 9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
• 13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
• 17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
• 25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
• Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml

{via: american pregnancy.org}

The nurse thought the same on both.

But I am so confused about AF in August.

We will seeee!

Ultrasound TOMORROW at 2!

my birthday weekend! {huge news}

Saturday

Kennedy started walking EVERYWHERE.

like could not stop her!

Sunday she wasnt as into it, would walk & crawl combo!

We went out to eat for seafood, which wasn't even good; BOO!

& I missed a dose of meds for kennedy was she was beyond cranky so I ended up not even finishing..not that i wanted too. & took her out in the car & waited for Brandon

before we went out to eat!

Then SUNDAY

i got breakfast in bed

& went over to my moms

I have been having alot of pain in my abdomen.. & as of the last two days gotten really swollen, I showed my mom & she has noticed it too & we were thinking it maybe another cyst..a  really big one; or a big one that has burst. There was no way I was pregnant, I stopped clomid 2 cycles ago.. & AF was here on August 13th I did test after just because i felt SO nauseous but that ended up being the flu that Brandon also go as well, it was negative {digital}/

I needed to get to the dr asap, because something just wasn't right.

well, we decided to go to walmart & pick up a test. I said i really didn't want to...there was no point..I didn't want another negative, even though we weren't even trying..

first two were during the evening of yesterday.. the second with the tiniest sample. & the last from this morning!

go on..freak out.. I AM!

god works in SUCH mysterious ways!

August was the last month to try I have a post I was going to post this week about the end of this journey.

I stopped charting..we stopped trying

the only people that know are Brandon, Kennedy & my parents only because I am going to need them for support if anything goes wrong.

We are not telling anyone til 20 weeks in fear of miscarriage or early delivery due to my incompetent cervix.

But i wanted to write down my thoughts, document this; & ultimately... get support. I am trying so hard to stay positive; but this could turn out bad...really bad. 

Here is what is going down

-waiting for the dr to call me back as I type to get my BETA done TODAY.

-ultra sound, possible progesterone shots again  to help me no miscarry like first 2 pregnancies {i only had one with kennedy}

-find out why the crap my line is so dark this early...was my last AF a fluke? or twins?

-talk about cerclage & our options

-wait for BETA results, then have follow up in 48 hrs to see if numbers are rising!

what a birthday present right?

prayers, & encouragement is needed & wanted!

labor day!

Oh my oh my; i have meaning to post about the rest of our weekend after the lake, & here I am...on Wednesday

My mind has been a dis-com-bobled mess

ok so after the lake on Saturday

we had a big bash on Sunday for the hubs work

they put one this huge party with yummy food, you pay per plate & the proceeds go towards MDA

Kennedy enjoyed the day

walking around with me with just one hand! eatttting up the attention!

then we sat back & people watched

& she ate snacks

Then nana came & picked her up

& momma & daddy got to party a little

when i say party a little i mean

momma had like 2 margartias & daddy had a few beers

10 o clock rolled around & we were pooped

& our plan of partying all night for the first time in 3 years, camp with everyone & dance our butts off

was actually us going to home, wondering what kennedy was doing & sleeping by midnight :)

we capped of Monday, by being lazy

we all went to my parents in our PJS & had a BBQ!

like i said it was 60 degrees, but was perfect!

we haven't had brandon home for a day off in going on 3 weeks so it was nice :)