On being a momma of 2!

For me being pregnant I balanced between two emotions unbelievable utter joy for this new little baby & some serious fear.

Sure I wanted this baby more than anything.

But I also have this little adorable toddler that has been my WHOLE world for the past 17 months.

During my last weeks of pregnancy I kinda went into panic mode.

Was she going to hate me? How would she react? Would she hate her sister?

& most of all how was I going to react?

I know I know, loving another child just comes to you; & its true it does. I love Kensley just as much as Kennedy equally & with so much love I really think my heart will explode.

But right before I had Kensley, I am talking in the ambulance in excrusicating pain, I got very still & quite & just thought about. CAN I DO THIS?

I found out pretty fast that I COULD. & felt so silly for thinking otherwise.

There is still alot of questioning myself I wont lie.

When I have to nurse Kensley & Kennedy wants my attention NOW; as she used to get on demand I just can't do. & sometimes when Kensley is crying & I pick her up after being on the floor playing with Kennedy, there is a head flinging back all out tantrum because I was picking up the baby again & shifting my attention off of her.

& when one is crying so the other must cry louder which happens at least every day. I question again CAN I DO THIS? Ive only ever wanted to be a momma & when you put that job so high up on pedestal; I doubted that i would let myself down, that I wouldn't be the mom I dreamt I would be my whole life. But then...

I see this:

& honestly every question & doubt I have goes away.

I am LOVING being a momma of 2. I generally dont sit but to pump before 9 o clock at night.

I thought I would be exhausted {which I am} & not be able to get off the couch. But I do. My house is acutally the cleanest its ever been because I am constantly up & moving & following bug again picking up the next mess she makes. The dishes are always done cause I have to have everything clean & on hand for whatever my day throws at me.

I am learning to juggle both of their needs & wants & some days its a struggle. But most the time? I am having a ton of fun, chasing Kennedy in the backyard, or playing chalk with Kensley in hand or in the sling.

I am far from perfect, lord knows that.

I am still trying to figure this whole 2 under 2 thing out.

But; I am exactly the mother I dreamt & wish I would be.

A momma of 2!